i couldnt/cant sleep.
so i went to the store room and looked thru the old pictures. old meaning, like pictures from 1970++ all the way till like 2000.

why are things the way they are how?
how did we/you end up here?
what went wrong? what happened?
we/you looked so happy in the pictures. joy.
seeing them brought a smile to my face.
what went wrong? can things go back to the way they were before? what happened?
what happened in the past few years? is it a dream? (no!) no, a dream is the wrong word. is it a nightmare?
were things 'not ok' only in the past few years? or has it been a built up for decades?
did i actually believe that things were ok last time? or was i just living in my own happy bubble? did you all try to make things ok just because i was the baby of the family and you all wanted nothing but the best for me? but that doesnt give you all the right to change things overnight once im a teen.
whats with all the angst? and hatred? everyone makes mistakes right? shouldnt we overlook them and get on with life? shouldnt we learn to live with each others differences and accept each other for the way we are? why did we choose to live in the past? living in the past wont get us to the future. what future?

i am not in a i-hate-my-family mood. i love them. each and everyone of them.
and i am very thankful to have 3 siblings who spoilt me rotten when i was younger. you know sometimes i look back and i wish that you guys didnt spoil me? am i the way i am now becos ive always gotten what i wanted when i was younger? when i was younger, i thought it was my birth right to be spoilt. i wanted something. i got something. and now, i am 20. i have to realise and know that it is not my birth right to be spoilt. i am also very thankful to have 2parents who gave me almost everything i wanted when i was young.

Can we work it out
Can we be a family
I promise I'll be better
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
We look pretty normal
Lets go back to that
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
Lets play pretend, act like it
Goes naturally

so cliche. a song from pink.

and then i start to question myself. would i be happier if we played pretend?
what will be of us if we played pretend and acted like things were bright and happy and sunny and everythingnice. if you guys could act like things were ok when i was younger, why cant we continue the show? but then again, will i be happy? will you be happy? or are we happier this way?

im sorry ive not been the best daughter/sister/sister-inlaw/aunty for the past couple of years. give me some time. im trying. i want us to be happy again. i want us to be a happy family again. or maybe there shouldnt even be an again to begin with. becos, were we ever a happy family? how do you define a happy family?

i remember happy family moments.
and i miss them.